Music

In years gone by music awards shows were steeped in pomp and circumstance and were graced by the presence of such legends as Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, Ray Charles and of course, Justin Beiber. Now days things are quite a bit different. Apparent musicians these days range from the 4 year old kid who just had his second nipple pierced and a tattoo on the palm of his hand to express his love of his 'rock band' which consists of 3 pubescent teenagers who don’t wash their hair and wear stupidly low cut shirts to show off their first chest hair. These kids think they are men because they have a single hair on their boney, gaunt chests and they can speak into a voice synthesizer. I think these brats need a good dose of Sean Connery, Magnum P.I or McGyver. 

This confusion about status is carried over into the cars that these young 'musicians' drive. In years gone by any celebrity with a few extra bob would blow it on a nice suit, a high-class lady or the most fuel inefficient car they could afford. In recent times everybody has been having a sook about climate change and the fact that fuel is a million dollars a pint and accordingly all musicians, and in fact every celebrity alive, are buying cars with 4cc engines that use one litre of fuel each month and use the static electricity generated by turning the steering wheel to power the air conditioning. This lack of excitement in their miserable little lives might explain why the lyrics of their songs read something similar to that of a suicide note.

It was only a mere 24 hours ago that I turned on my television only to find out that the latest upcoming music sensation is a 12 year old boy whose voice hasn’t broken yet and is curious why mummy is so religious at night. I will admit however that this kid had a decent voice. Now normally this would be good as he would be able to sing a variety of songs. But no, the songs that this boy sings are all about love and heaven and marshmallows and love and being sad when love doesn’t work. This kids is 12 and he is singing about how his heart was broken when he caught his wife bonking the gardener Miguel. A child who is the same age as my first chest hair shouldn’t be singing about love. He should be singing about how he went to the zoo with his parents or how he thinks children are dropped in slings from the beak of an overhead crane or table tennis. 

But I digress; musical preference is very much in the ear of the listener. Maybe these kids will grow up and be mega superstars and earn 10 million dollars for each lyric they write and having women dripping off them. But until then I'm going to relax in my lounge chair with a nice warm glass of beer, a semi-cold pie, ACDC blaring over the stereo and Magnum P.I on the television. 

The Sun

Every morning I wake up before dawn to prepare for the day ahead. It is quiet, refreshing, cool and crisp. Unfortunately some time later a large, firery sphere takes over and ruins everything. This angry orb douses my poor car with more radiation than Chernobyl and then I am expected to sit in it and drive places. Even after a measly 10 minutes exposure to the Sun my car is so hot that when I sit down, I swear it is like sitting bare-arsed on the sun itself.

I am forever complaining about my writhing dislike of the enourmous, arrogent, cigarette in the sky and others inevitably rebut with an argument along the lines of "ohhh...but you need the sun so that photons can hit the plants and react with the carbon dioxide to produce oxygen.....dude". Such people often have no shoes, masses of dreadlocks and a shirt made from marijuana, or they are just a bit daft. But it is true, the man who always argues against me does require the Sun though, so that the light can hit very eco friendly solar panels in order to fuel the huge inferno to burn his recently shot corpse. But I digress.

The annoying light bulb in the sky is just that. Annoying. It arrives in the morning to awaken us from our dreamland, provides us life for the day, and then buggers off again, simply raising its bright middle finger to humanity as if to say "You know what, screw you, do it by yourself!" Overnight the Sun recovers from this bout of PMS and rises again with a sad, gloomy "Sorry can you ever forgive me?" look upon its face. Only to have the entire cycle repeat itself later that afternoon.

Whilst the Sun gives life, it takes away almost all of the dignity in mine. The Sun simply throws radiation at us while firmly stuck in the "She'll be right" mindset. This radiation causes the Earth to heat up which causes me to heat up which causes me to sweat and develop a nasty rash. This is uncomfortable. Other negatives of the Suns existance include; my sunburn, my brown lawn, my faded paint, my sore eyes, my sweat and most importantly (due to all of that radiation) my sperm count which I belive just slipped into the negative, just to name a few. These problems are frustrating yes but they are relatively minor. The worst aspect of the Sun is its light.

I will admit that without light from the Sun we wouldnt be able to see anything but is that necessarily a bad thing? I wouldnt have to see the Hyundai Coupe bouncing across a field because the driver though he was "sick, sick, sick as". I wouldnt have to see Paris Hiltons sex tape. I wouldnt have to see A Current Affair and I wouldnt have to see Tony Abbot in speedos that are 2 sizes too small. Not only is the Sun incompitent for what it causes me to see but also what it causes me not to see. What i am getting at is the horrible glare is causes me when I am driving.

I am driving to uni just the other day with the sun practically raping me with its rays when all of a sudden I run over a large bump. I promptly turn around to see poor old Mrs Williams, all 92 years of her God bless her. Once again I digress. I have been raving on for some time now why the Sun is stupid and pointless and rubbish but it does have its uses. It warms me up when I am cold, it provides oxygen so degenrates like us can live and breathe, it allows us to see pretty ladies like Julia Gilla......oh wait thats not right is it! I will admit then that there is no biological process that flummoxes the Suns rays. So go ahead Sun send those rays earth bound, but for Gods sake can you send some ointment with them?